I distinctly remember an officer of the law entering my fifth-grade classroom one October day. His mission: To instruct us all how to not die while out begging strangers for food on October 31. At the end of the presentation. he pulled out a huge stack of bright orange, thick-plastic bags imprinted with the silhouettes of witches, ghosts, and a haunted house.
"Thank you Officer So-And-So, we'd say, in turn, as he handed them out to us. Then we'd ooh and ahh over the cool Halloween scene. Then we'd turn the bag over, see a huge list of "DON'Ts!," and flip it right back, leaving the cautionary tale unread. We were young and invincible! If we wanted to wear dark clothing at night, darting in and out of the street we would! No... we SHOULD! Youth!!!
Plus, a witch silhouette is way cooler than READING.
In darker moments, I imagine the cop who came to our classroom was put on "Bag Give-Out Duty" because the previous Halloween he accidentally shot a kid who was holding a toy gun.
So, who's ready for some laff-em-up yuks, as we take a light-hearted look at the six best Trick-or-Treat bags on sale at a dollar store?!
Despite the fact that, narratively, I should build the anticipation in this post, starting with the sixth best bag and end with an image of my favorite, I decided to start off with the best of the best. Part of this decision is because this is the order that my blogging software imported the images into this post and I just don't have the energy to rearrange them.
Therefore, if you stop reading right now, I still get the "page impressions" AND you've seen the best Trick-or-Treat bag that $1 can buy! This is a win-win for all of us.
So, you've decided to keep reading? Good for you!
This second bag was a super close runner-up for my favorite bag in the store. See, I seem to be on some kind of "Frankenstein" kick, this year. I've found a love for the big brute that I never really felt in previous years. It's kinda like how I never used to like wine, but now I drink it all the time.
Frankenwine. (Er, sorry... I mean "Frankenwine's MONSTER")
VAMPIDER II: VAMPIDERS (Feat. S-CAT)
The look on that cat's face seems to say, "Some a-hole broke my tail, so it could look like an 'S' for this picture ... but the pain meds they gave me, after, are sooooo gooooood that it's ok."
This bag, along with the "S-Pooky!" bag, above have something that sets them above all the rest*: Translucency. There's nothing finer than being able to see -- through the SIDE of the bag -- how high your candy pile is, like some kinda sugary thermometer. The slightly opaque material suggesting -- but never quite revealing -- what candies are in there. It's tantalizing and teasing; only hinting at the candy-based pleasures that await, once you get home.... Halloween just got erotic-sounding!
*TWIST! I was LYING about that first "Two Skeleton Gents" bag being my favorite! THIS bag is my actual favorite! (This won't have come as a surprise to the keen readers, as they will have noted that I set up my love of "silhouette bags" in the VERY OPENING PARAGRAPH! I'm the M Night Shyamalan of Trick-or-Treat bags!
This guy is FREAKING OUT. Possibly because some jerk just took a nibble out of his head. Alternately, he could be freaking out because he's looking at you, a human, and to his Candy Corn-based lifeform eyes, YOU look like the monster.
That's the second Shyamalan-like twist of this "article"!
One final twist:
I've been DEAD THIS WHOLE TIME!!!
Look, I know I'm not revealing any "sneaky peeps" here. I know you've already "hearted" most of this Halloween merchandise on several Twitter and/or Instagram feeds. But I'd like to think that I add a little value with my sterling, rapier-like commentary and stories that I attach to each photo.
If you liked it, too, why not share it on social media? I can be followed on Twitter @sommerjam