Wait... "What are Peek Freans?!" you say? Why ... they are very serious cookies:
Seriously, no f*cking around, ok?! Except ... this was their jingle:
Hard to take that seriously, really.
But, despite the ad campaign, I don't think parents ever had a hard time keeping kids away from them, because they were all pretty terrible. Stupid children want their cookies crammed with chips and creams and elves in trees covering them in fudge! Not these thin, super-crispy wafer-things. For those who have travelled abroad, I guess they were more akin to "digestives" than anything, and all Peek Freans fell into that pretty boring category ... except for one:
The saving grace of the entire line was called the Fruit Crème. Pronounced "krem" (or, "cre-MAY" for you HBO lovers out there). They were, hands-down, the best of the bunch; the first to disappear when a relative brought over an assortment box of them.
They were a crumbly/crunchy cookie that sandwiched some crumbly/stiff crème. The top cookie had a hole in it that was filled with a weird, too-hard "fruit plug" of indeterminate flavor origin, sprinkled with raw sugar. (I'm starting to worry these only sound delicious to someone who's already had them and has a nostalgic love for them....) Trust me, they were sublime.
But, alas, they are gone ... I could not find them readily available in the supermarket, nor could I find any information on distribution within the United States. (Canada is still blessed with Freans, the lucky bâtards. I should drive up there to smuggle some back. Anyone want me to bring back any viagra, since I'm going anyway?)
A Google search turned up very little information. This webpage is about all the "official" info I could find ... and it looks like it has not been touched by human hands in about 20 years. SCREENCAP:
My favorite part is the "A message from our lawyers". I thought it was going to lead to a note that started with, "Due to the recent deaths Peek Freans have caused..." But no, it's just boilerplate asking us to enjoy their site within the bounds of the law. Did I mention these are VERY serious cookies? LAWYER serious. Lawyer cookies.
So, anyway, these cookies are gone forever, and this is just my tribute page to them...
OR ARE THEY?!
An old college buddy of mine recently sent me this picture:
Yes, I have friends that will send me pictures of Peek Freans look-alikes ... you don't? Get better friends!
He'd found these doppelgangers in CVS and just knew I'd be as excited as he was. He was right! I'm excited. Maybe too excited. At what point should I seek help?
NOTE: CVS is a chain of pharmacies, if I have to explain that ... are they national? For further illustrative purposes, the one nearest my house always smells like something has recently died in there, so they have Renuzit Air Cones strategically placed within the store to mask the smell. So, instead, it now smells like something died while holding flowers ... or melon and starfruit ... or beach breezes. Does that help you know what CVS is?
Gold Emblem is CVS' house brand and under it they sell everything from almonds to coffee to artifical sweeteners ... and now PEEK FREANS!
It's a resurrection!
But is it a Star Trek III type, where the dead husk of Peek Freans' Fruit Crèmes were shot into a CVS, right before the Genesis Device was detonated, bringing them back exactly as they were? Or will it be more like Pet Cematary?! Some things should STAY DEAD! (RIP Fred Gwynn.)
And so, I continue my grand tradition of writing about a food, without actually tasting it. Try and hide your disappointment under the fact that by me NOT eating all these things I write about, I'm staving off diabetes for, like, a extra week or so.
Every have Peek Freans? Tell me ALL about it in the comments!