Let's take a break from all the awesome Halloween stuff that I've been covering and travel WAY BACK to ... September 13, 2014, where we will delve into pizza.
See, on a recent trip to Michigan, my beautiful wife and I went to Walmart. Why? Because we were in town for a wedding.
To many of you, Walmart is a commonplace thing that you take for granted. Many of you "own cars" or "don't live in the greatest city in the world (New York City)", and thus have easy access to that paragon of weird people. (Be real, ok? Everyone in there is weird. Including you.)
The problem is that our trip took place RIGHT as stores were ramping up for Halloween. (Thanks for planning your wedding so close to Halloween, cousin!) And once I started covering Halloween stuff, when was I going to find time to show off the Marvel-themed pizzas that I found in the semi-frozen foods section?
Now. The answer is RIGHT NOW!
There, I've stretched that out, for having nothing to say! JEFF SMASH KEYBOARD!
The correct answer is "Chris Pratt". (Am I RIGHT, ladies?!)
<sings>When Captain America throws his mighty pizza / All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield ... izza!
Again, to many of you, there is nothing wondrous about seeing these pizza boxes, as you see them every god damn time you go to Walmart because your god damn kids won't stop whining that they want to god damn eat frozen pizza for dinner. This post is not for you. This post is for me - and those like me - whose bank accounts refuse to grow large enough to buy a car ... or who don't live in the greatest city in the world, New York City.
I can be followed on Twitter @sommerjam! DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!
Driving down some road in Michigan, I saw a sign for Dollar Tree. Off-handedly, I said, "I'll bet they have some good Halloween stuff." I felt the car swerve as my wife, who was driving at the time, jerked the wheel, pulling us into the parking lot entrance that we were just about to pass. This is why I love her and will be with her forever. So that's the advice I'd give young lovers: Will this person swerve dangerously to get you to a Halloween store? Ask yourself that question, before buying a ring.
the best Leaf Bag Bag I've ever seen, but I need to point out a few things on this one, anyway. 1) Both the spider bag and the little girl are Photoshoped onto that leafy background. Why? 2) Why did they choose to even Photoshop the little girl-of-unknown-hat-type onto this bag at all? For "scale"? 3) In French, these bags roughly translate to "SACKS FOR DEAD LEAVES"! Not sure why they had to specify "dead" ... were French people going around pulling leaves off of trees to fill their spider bags? It's all weird and disturbing.
But, back to the box at hand: On the left you have scary ghost, on the right you have sassy ghost, then you have "bubble babies" under that! Each a grim rictus grin on their too-round heads. Also: "bubble babies" sounds like a term that doctors USED to use for some childhood condition, but then the world deemed it un-P.C. Oh, and don't for get the lightning trees, in the center. Those are boss, too.
I will re-use that paragraph in my write-up of that bag of creatures, by the way, so get used to it.
So we end it here, with me promising two follow-up posts to this one, very lackluster post. Do you take the gamble that the future posts will really make up for it, or do you cut your losses, now, and never return? Meh, I'll still incessantly tweet at you about it on Twitter, so you can run, but you can't hide.
Speaking of: I can be followed on Twitter @sommerjam. DO IT NOW!
Dollar stores are great places to look for weird Halloween stuff. It's all generic and probably full of lead ... but in a fun way. I never wind up buying anything, but it's fun to look. UNTIL NOW!
I found something amazing and amazingly useless: Leaf bags, in the shape of pumpkins!
But holy cats, look at the design of this bag!
Or a moon-shaped tambourine.
Or he's using the moon AS a tambourine.
Or he's saving the moon from that giant space-spider web?
Whatever's happening, none of it's good. It's the end of days. Curl up inside your leaf bags and pray that saves you from Tambourine-Moon Ghost's wrath.
Why can't they just put aside their differences and realize how similar they are?
(This is an allegory. Try, each day, to be less like these Complaining Trees.)
Worse? Most homeowners won't even be able to throw these leaf bags out, at the end of the season, what with municipal laws stipulating that trash men can only pick up leaves that are in those special brown, recyclable bags. A new Halloween tradition that many kids will grow to hate will be the annual "un-bagging of the wet, rotting leaves from the pumpkin bags and re-loading them into the city-approved ones".
"Watch out for mice and slugs, kids!"
ANYWAY! Can you believe all that art cost only a dollar? (Well, a dollar and eight cents, because the tax man is watching your Halloween purchases.) I want to frame it. I want to spend thirty times as much as it cost on that frame, in fact. A giant gilt job, with filigree and fluting. I hope I used those words correctly. This is art, people. Art put onto a plastic wrapper that the consumer was meant to rip open and throw away. Travesty!
I can't imagine many people buying this for the leaf bags inside, though.
I didn't call them, because I wouldn't know what to say? Plus: Never meet your heroes, right?
I didn't fax them, either, because it's god damn 2014 and who faxes anymore?!
I can be followed on Twitter @sommerjam. DO IT NOW!!!
Is CVS even a national brand? Will you all understand the concept of a large pharmacy that also sells Halloween goodies?! Hold up, let me Google that...
CVS Pharmacy (styled as CVS/pharmacy or simply CVS) is the second largest pharmacy chain after Walgreens in the United States, with more than 7,600 stores, and is the second largest US pharmacy based on total prescription revenue. --Wikipedia.org
So, if you don't live near one, it's your own fault!
WHAT AN INTRO, HUH?! Anyway, here are photos I took of the inside of my local CVS, with some comments slapped on in a hap-hazzard way. PS - This trip was inspired by my beautiful wife who, offhandedly, said, "Wanna go to CVS and look at the Halloween stuff?" It's suggestions like this that are why I married her and why I will never stop loving her.
AND NOW, HALLOWEEN STUFF:
"HI! I'm leading the Tim Burton Appreciation Day Parade! Follow meeeee!" (He leads you down a dark path, where serpent gods eat your soul.)
over at DinosaurDracula, bought one and is growing it. Read his review and stop bothering me!
So, there you have it, a virtual walk-through of some of the Halloween stuff that CVS had to offer this year. I hope shut-ins and agoraphobics found this helpful.
I can be followed on Twitter @sommerjam. DO IT NOW!